So, I am in the mood to resurrect this blog. Not much has changed since I last posted. I am living in the same place, working in a new job that I don’t hate, still single, down to a size 10 most days, although I did manage a pair of size 8 black jeans for Christmas, my Diabetes is semi-under control – at least I am more consistent in taking my meds, I consistently go to the gym twice a week for 30-45 minutes, my house is currently about 70% cleaner than it was two weeks ago, but still a very long way to go.
I was having a conversation today about empty nest syndrome and how it was pointed out to them that they sit at home all the time, so I was like, why? You have a car, who says you have to sit home? Go places, join the gym, go shopping, call a friend to go to dinner… As I was relaying this conversation to another person, I realize that I pretty much go home and do nothing every night. My Monday has a new routine as I have to play taxi for a friend’s kiddo which encourages me to run errands. Tuesdays and Thursdays are gym days immediately after work, only once I get home, I really just want a nap most nights. Wednesdays are my “long” days as I tend to have meetings after school those days. Fridays… due to my 45 minute each way commute every day, by Friday, I only want to nap.
I come from a long line of anti-social people. My dad is funny. Growing up I only remember him hiding out whenever I had friends over, or especially if I had birthday parties. As I got older, there were a few of my friends that he’d make an effort with, but for the most part, he disappeared. He had a job where he had to deal with people all the time, so maybe in his down time he preferred not to be social, I don’t know. But everyone LOVES my dad. Where they live now, he’s sociable and helpful… It’s kinda cute. My mother is the more outgoing one, but most of her life was tied up in her three kids, she was a PTA mom and that’s where most of her socialization happened or through work, but seeing as she doesn’t drive, she had limitations. Now that my sisters and I are all gone, she has to rely on my dad for everything. She never calls anyone because she says she doesn’t want to bother them. I often have little sympathy for her because she did it to herself by giving up driving and becoming dependent on my dad. Retirement has totally isolated her.
With the exception of the driving part, my older sister is very much in the same situation my mother was. Her only child is off to college and she’s finding herself lost. It’s a source of battle between her and my brother-in-law.
So in processing all of this, I realized, I am basically no different. I struggle to get up every morning, drive 45 minutes, work all day, drive 45 minutes home, collapse on the couch without even the ambition to cook dinner. Rinse, repeat. 2 days a week, I change it up and go to the gym. The weekends are one day either doing absolutely nothing or frantic cleaning, the other is laundry and dinner at my parents. I have no social life.
Part of that is my self-diagnosed social anxiety, part is that my friends and I are at different places in our lives. Most of them are married with kids. I am still single. I don’t go anywhere or do anything where I can meet people. So, since I could change things and don’t I take full responsibility and say it’s by choice. Choice, being my lack of doing anything to change my circumstances.
Am I happy? I’m not quite unhappy. I am stagnant. I live in constant feat of losing my parents. I am awkward and shy in social situations. I am just treading water and not quite living my life to its fullest potential. I need to challenge myself. I need to challenge single again.